


I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you

by Marissaxx



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Is it too late now to say sorry?, post 4x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 05:32:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5445065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marissaxx/pseuds/Marissaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>4x10 Spec Fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you

Oliver felt her gaze before even opening his eyes. The sun was warm against his bare skin and he could hear birds chirping outside their window between the roar of the neighbour’s lawn mower. He fought the smile threatening to pull at his lips. Felicity hated waking up to that noise and no doubt he would be hearing about it, but for the moment, all he could bring himself to care about was the feel of her eyes on his skin. It never failed to amaze him the peace it brought.

“See something you like.” He finally said, with a huff of laughter. Oliver opened his eyes to the warmth of her bright smile.

She didn’t speak, simply running her fingers up and down his chest. He caught her hand before they could dip beneath the sheets and he grinned, pulling them to his lips.

She dragged her thumb along his jaw before settling it on his dimple. Finally, she raised her beautiful clear blue eyes to his.

“Oliver, wake up.”

 

Oliver woke with a start, upright and alert in the hard plastic chair, with Thea’s sober face dancing over him in concern. Her hand hovered over his shoulder. “Hey, it’s me, it’s just me. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He ran a hand over his face, feeling the prickle of a seven day shadow, rubbing against his palms. Clearing his throat, he looked around. “Where’s Donna?” His voice was rough and groggy from disuse and fatigue. The soft sound of beeping monitors helped to steady his nerves and slow his rapid heart rate.

_One beat to match hers._

“She went down to get some coffee.” Thea answered softly, eyes running over his haggard face and bloodshot eyes. He knew what was coming and he didn’t care much to hear it again.

“Ollie, you can’t keep doing this. It’s been a week and you haven’t eaten, you haven’t been sleeping properly and aside from washing blood off, you haven’t showered. Please, let me take you home, at least for a few hours. Donna and John are here; you can come back when you’ve had a proper meal.”

“Any news on Darhk yet?” He asked abruptly, ignoring her completely. He was being rude- Oliver knew- she didn’t deserve it. None of them did. But he had no patience, or time for pleasantries.

Thea’s gaze was pleading, although, when it was clear that he wouldn’t budge, she sighed and turned away.

“No. Nothing. It’s like he disappeared. No ghosts, no attacks and no sign of Darhk.”

“You canvassed the warehouse he was holding the prisoners?” He pressed. His voice sounded flat and lifeless to his ears.

She’d answered the same question several times over the last few days but he continued to ask. There had to be something, anything that led to Damien Darhk,

Thea nodded again. If she was annoyed at the repetitive inquisitions, she didn’t show it. Oliver knew that his frustration and anger was palpable, everyone could sense it. But he knew the same feelings were festering in all of them- like a badly infected sore.

“Yes, Laurel and I checked multiple times. There was nothing. Lance said SCPD couldn’t find anything either.”

“Keep looking. He doesn’t get to disappear, not like this, not before I feel his body lifeless under my hands.”

Thea looked over towards the only bed in the private room.

Most of the tubes had been removed, now only an IV, a catheter and the heart monitor remained. Doctors had felt confident that she could breathe on her own again.

Oliver stroked Felicity’s hand tenderly, his thumb resting over the large diamond ring he had replaced on her finger after the doctors had given it back to him before surgery.

Nothing in his godforsaken life had scared him more than the moment the bloodied ring was placed in his palm. Nothing had prepared him for the sudden constriction in his chest, or the overwhelming despair that had sent his entire body sagging to the floor.  

Not even John and Thea, sprinting through the corridor had been enough to bring him back from the darkness he’d fallen into.

Somewhere, in the small space of his mind, the darkness Felicity’s light and love had driven away, grew and screamed for release. Without Felicity, Oliver would have given it; through bloodshed and death, beginning with Damien Darhk and ending with himself. Purgatory had created a killer, and purgatory would accept him again.

Only when Donna Smoak appeared- with Lance following closely behind- shell shocked and broken- a child’s mother- did he snap out of it, pushing through the darkness to hold her while she sobbed in his arms. He could do nothing but apologize and murmur consoling words in her ear.

Finally, hours later, with Donna’s hand wrapped tightly around his own, the doctor had told them that although she’d suffered life threatening injuries and undergone extensive surgery, she was expected to recover. The doctor had also explained that, in cases like this, sometimes after a traumatic event, some patients fall into a coma, a defensive mechanism to protect the brain.

_“Unfortunately, as a result of the impact to her ovary, it is a very real possibility that Miss Smoak will never be able to reproduce. I’m very sorry, Ma’am.”_

Oliver remembered the solemn expression on the doctor’s face as he’d walked off. He remembered Donna’s sobs as she cried both in happiness and sadness. Most importantly, he remembered; the crippling thought that he would never have a child with his eyes and Felicity’s beauty and intellect, and the realization that the one thing he had lied to Felicity about was the one thing she could never have for herself. Oliver didn’t think he’d ever hated himself more. The broken mirror in the men’s bathroom, with shards covered in his blood was proof of that.

 “She looks better today.” Thea said hopefully, startling him back to the present.

“Donna brushed her hair earlier- and washed her face with some kind of baby wipe.” He rasped.

Thea smiled and ran her fingers through Felicity’s newly smooth hair. “Girl’s gotta look good for all the hot doctors.” She teased lightly.

Oliver couldn’t muster a smile, but he felt his chest lighten just a little.

“If she wakes up, she can look at all the hot doctors she wants.” He murmured softly, leaning forward to place a tender kiss on Felicity’s forehead.

Thea looked up determinedly and grasped his arm. “ _When_ she wakes up. She _will_ wake up Ollie, she’s a fighter.”

Oliver gazed down at Felicity’s face. “Yeah.” He breathed.

* * *

 

Soon after Thea left, Oliver found himself back in the hard, plastic white chair.

Since they’d moved Felicity into the room, Donna had made countless attempts at convincing him to move to one of the few cushioned chairs around the room- to no avail. He knew John had explained to her, that it was just one of Oliver’s coping mechanisms, but Donna still tried.

He pushed the chair as close to the bed as possible, before laying his head on Felicity’s chest. Her hospital gown grew damp under his eyes.

“I can’t do this without you. I’ve never needed anyone, but I need you. Come back, please. I'm so sorry. I promise that I will spend every day trying to be the honest and good person that you've always believed me to be. I promise that I will love you, every day of our lives together. Just please, Felicity, come back.”

And for the first time since he had boarded the Queens Gambit nine years ago, Oliver Queen prayed.

**Author's Note:**

> I may write another chapter with Diggle. He merits his own. And I firmly believe he would be almost as, if not just as affected as Oliver. 
> 
> Although writing that one might just make me cry...
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> (Also title comes from lyrics to song 'Like I'm Gonna Lose You')


End file.
